Building a happy family

This week we made the not-so-life-changing decision not to have our own children. To pretty much all of our friends and family, this will be a complete surprise. So how did we get from deciding between a known or unknown donor to help create our family to a life path that does not include having our own children at all?
If you'd have asked us a week ago if we were going to have a baby now that we've got married (or civilly partnered if you're being pedantic) we would have said yes without a doubt. So it is quite surprising to us that we have both had a re-think and changed our minds.

The scene is a rainy sunday car journey on the way back home to London from a softball tournament (a common situation for us on summer Sunday afternoons). The conversation, which we have been having on and off for the best part of the last 18 months (following the trend of many of our friends starting their own families), began with an attempt to reconsider using a known donor.

We charted the pros and cons of the unknown donor route and considered the two biggest cons with this route. 1) the personal safety risks of meeting up with a stranger; and 2) the challenge to guarantee medical history without the use of a clinic.  Another consideration was the cost in thousands of pounds when using a clinic for insemination. These had also become top of the list of reasons to say no to this option. So we went back to the original plan and we discussed building a relationship with a potential known donor, where the main risk we considered would be the donor's proximity to the upbringing of the child and potentially wanting shared custody, however tight our family contract defining relationships might be.

Our decisions weren't difficult in the end, but it wasn't easy either and it has taken months to mull over and consider the multitude of routes available. Over the last few months, we've looked at a lot of options. Partly because we could potentially face fertility issues due to (Katie's) ongoing health problems, and partly because the cost of using a clinic is prohibitive and money we would rather spend on the family than making the family. However none of the myriad of options has ever felt quite right. Perhaps this was why we had been having the debate for the last 18 months rather than settling on a method and working towards it. We then started to think about adoption as an alternative for us to having a child, this conversation developed, and then we decided that rather than have a baby of our own perhaps we could adopt a baby. Then we took our thoughts a step further, because we know that the adoption process in the UK is slow and drawn out, and also that we would still have to make quite a few adjustments to our busy and fun lives (Planet London would surely not survive and which one of us would get to play softball?).

We thought more and more about the fostering route and supporting LGBT young people through Albert Kennedy Trust, and maintaining an open door policy for friends and family in need. Both of us are really keen on this and want to incorporate it into our life. Having our own children would potentially be a hinderence to this.

We are also really committed to Planet London and the other activities we do outside of work. Could we really continue to do any of those if we started a family? Probably not, or not to the same extent. And in all of the couples we know, we've found one is able to still take part, the other stays at home with the baby. How would we agree who got stuck at home?

It was at this stage that we both realised that there was another option, one that quite suits our ethos, and general love of providing a safe haven whenever we can to people who need our support. We decided that we would look to have a home where we would have a spare room. The aim being to offer a space for working with a charity like Albert Kennedy Trust to home young LGBT people who have been made homeless due to their sexuality; and for friends who need a sofa for a week or two.

For some reason on that particular Sunday, for the first time in our many conversations, we posed the question "do we need to have children?" It was a revelation. It was the one aspect of having a family we had never seriously considered. And we had considered all the elements of having a family very seriously. From naming the children, to picking out friends who could be potential donors, to saving to buy a family friendly home near a good school.

All of a sudden it felt like the clouds where clearing in our conversation.

The options for our life together without having our own children felt like the possibility we'd been waiting for. Rather than adapting our lives to accommodate children, why not just not have children? What were the reasons we thought about starting a family for anyway? Because it's what all our friends are doing, or because as women in their early thirties there is still a societal pressure that's what we should be doing.

We're letting the dust settle on the decision. And also, it's one we could change our mind on at any point. But we both agree, having babies isn't the right way for us to grow our family - at least for now. And we're excited about the opportunities we'll have to help young LGBT people in need.
Article by Naomi and Katie Bennett-Hall
 

Lesbian Parents – What’s in a Name?

“So if she’s known as Mummy, what does your daughter call you”? Being two women with a one year old baby, this is a frequent question we are asked. Our answer, which although has had considerable thought thrown at it, is simple in its logic. With one of us Spanish and the other English, we go by the native terminology; Mummy and Mami, although given some of the identity boundaries we have faced, it could easily have been Mummy and Maddy / Dummy (a Mummy-Daddy hybrid).

L Word’s Bette and Tina made parent labels seem simple with their Mama B-Mama T set-up, however as we are beginning to learn, the dynamics of parental identity for lesbians extends far beyond a name. A long way from our initial expectations of overcoming obstacles such as public scrutiny and length of paternity leave, the hardest challenge has actually been about defining our roles both physically and psychologically. This may have been a walk in the park in some partnership dynamics where one has a much stronger maternal instinct than the other, but for us; two overly hormonal femmes with similar measures of maternity, it has at times been tough. That’s not to say we’ve fallen at the fence, but it has made us realise the importance of being open and honest with each other and that has meant a lot of talking.

Hannah and Marie at Evelyn's Christening

Aside being incredibly joyous, miraculous and momentous, the first few months of our daughter’s life were some of the hardest we’ve ever experienced as a couple. With a third person to add to the dynamics of any partnership, there is inevitably some distance put between you both as you make ‘room for a little one’, but my expectations were somewhat unrealistic in thinking that being a lesbian couple with an ‘all-feminine’ bond, we would be exempt or at least protected somewhat from the feeling of separateness couples experience when birth mother is preoccupied with baby. For me, my experience seemed barely different to that of men I know who had recently become Dads and for a while, I found myself joining in the blokes’ conversations at friend’s gatherings, muttering “poor me” a lot and discussing the notion of being shut out whilst Mum bonded with baby. This was made harder by the pressure I felt to be more of an understanding partner given my sex – a benchmark that in all fairness, I set myself but failed to reach on some occasions as I dealt with my own insecurities of being pushed out and adopting a supporting role of Vice Mum – my partner’s somewhat highly strung and volatile co-Mummy.

For a while I struggled with my parental identity, known to all as Mummy but with a maternal skill-set seemingly stripped of some of its vital tools for Evelyn. Whilst I knew this would change when I got my chance at being birth mother, it has lead me towards adopting a more paternal role. That’s not to say it’s been a chore. On the contrary I have actually quite enjoyed being the protector and provider and it’s clear that our daughter is drawn to my partner when she’s wants to be nurtured and to me when she wants playtime. For now, I’m fun-time Mummy and I’m cool with that. I guess the real test will be when I play birth mother to our next child and our roles are forced to adapt once more.

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Blog post by Hannah Revill
Do you have a story to tell? Would you like to contribute to this or one of the other Planet London blogs? Email Planet London (admin@planet-london.com).

LGBT Adoption and Fostering Week 2012

We've been writing here and thinking about the trials of getting pregnant when you are a lesbian couple who might also have fertility problems.

Of course, one way to start a family doesn't involve the costs and emotions attached to getting pregnant at all. Many London boroughs pro-actively encourage LGBT families to foster or adopt, and sadly there is never shortage of babies and children who need a new, welcoming, loving family.

Ealing Council hosts a special event to raise awareness of fostering and adoption for LGBT families in their borough to encourage more gay and lesbian people to consider becoming foster carers or to adopt.

The event is being held in conjunction with LGBT Adoption and Fostering Week 2012, the first of its kind, organised by New Family Social, a UK charity for LGBT adopters, foster carers and their children.

Ealing Council held its first pink event in 2010, which was very well attended and received a great deal of positive feedback. 

This year the event will take place on the evening of Monday 20 February in central Ealing. This informal event will give people the opportunity to find out more about fostering and adoption and to ask any questions they may have. There will also be an opportunity to meet some foster carers and people who have already adopted to talk about their personal experiences.

Two special guests who will be speaking about their experience at the event are Paul Llewelyn & Lohit Kalburgi. After attending the last Ealing Pink event the couple were inspired to adopt and now have a son. Lohit explains

"The evening was fantastic. There were a great selection of speakers, all with really inspiring stories to tell. I just remember sitting there and thinking this could really happen for us. We were both so inspired by the evening we knew that having children was definitely something we both really wanted."

Anyone interested in fostering or adoption is encouraged to come along and find out more. Many people have misconceptions about what is required to be a foster carer or to adopt. For example to foster or adopt you don't need to own your own property, you can be single or in a relationship and age is not a barrier.

To attend the informal evening of information and networking, as well as a delicious buffet and drinks book your place or for more information, call Freephone 0800 731 6550 or email fosterdadopt@ealing.gov.uk.

For more information on LGBT Adoption and Fostering Week 2012, and to see if there are any LGBT events near you, visit the official website.

Equality Act 2010 - what it means for lesbian women

Under the Equality Act 2010 PCT’s would be unable to treat same sex couples any differently to heterosexual couples. It would be unlawful therefore for your local PCT to say a particular treatment was only available for heterosexual couples and not same sex couples or for heterosexual women and not lesbians. The criteria they ask for from same sex couples would need to be the same and they would need to assess you in the same way. If their policy states that a heterosexual couple would be entitled to fertility treatment if the woman has been diagnosed with a fertility issue and are entitled to certain drugs then the same should be applied for same sex couples.

Stonewall are working with PCT’s across the country to help them address the health needs of lesbian and bisexual women. You may also find the following contact of use:

Equality and Human Rights Commission
http://www.equalityhumanrights.com

Infertility Network UK
http://www.infertilitynetworkuk.com