Lesbian Parents – What’s in a Name?

“So if she’s known as Mummy, what does your daughter call you”? Being two women with a one year old baby, this is a frequent question we are asked. Our answer, which although has had considerable thought thrown at it, is simple in its logic. With one of us Spanish and the other English, we go by the native terminology; Mummy and Mami, although given some of the identity boundaries we have faced, it could easily have been Mummy and Maddy / Dummy (a Mummy-Daddy hybrid).

L Word’s Bette and Tina made parent labels seem simple with their Mama B-Mama T set-up, however as we are beginning to learn, the dynamics of parental identity for lesbians extends far beyond a name. A long way from our initial expectations of overcoming obstacles such as public scrutiny and length of paternity leave, the hardest challenge has actually been about defining our roles both physically and psychologically. This may have been a walk in the park in some partnership dynamics where one has a much stronger maternal instinct than the other, but for us; two overly hormonal femmes with similar measures of maternity, it has at times been tough. That’s not to say we’ve fallen at the fence, but it has made us realise the importance of being open and honest with each other and that has meant a lot of talking.

Hannah and Marie at Evelyn's Christening

Aside being incredibly joyous, miraculous and momentous, the first few months of our daughter’s life were some of the hardest we’ve ever experienced as a couple. With a third person to add to the dynamics of any partnership, there is inevitably some distance put between you both as you make ‘room for a little one’, but my expectations were somewhat unrealistic in thinking that being a lesbian couple with an ‘all-feminine’ bond, we would be exempt or at least protected somewhat from the feeling of separateness couples experience when birth mother is preoccupied with baby. For me, my experience seemed barely different to that of men I know who had recently become Dads and for a while, I found myself joining in the blokes’ conversations at friend’s gatherings, muttering “poor me” a lot and discussing the notion of being shut out whilst Mum bonded with baby. This was made harder by the pressure I felt to be more of an understanding partner given my sex – a benchmark that in all fairness, I set myself but failed to reach on some occasions as I dealt with my own insecurities of being pushed out and adopting a supporting role of Vice Mum – my partner’s somewhat highly strung and volatile co-Mummy.

For a while I struggled with my parental identity, known to all as Mummy but with a maternal skill-set seemingly stripped of some of its vital tools for Evelyn. Whilst I knew this would change when I got my chance at being birth mother, it has lead me towards adopting a more paternal role. That’s not to say it’s been a chore. On the contrary I have actually quite enjoyed being the protector and provider and it’s clear that our daughter is drawn to my partner when she’s wants to be nurtured and to me when she wants playtime. For now, I’m fun-time Mummy and I’m cool with that. I guess the real test will be when I play birth mother to our next child and our roles are forced to adapt once more.

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Blog post by Hannah Revill
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