Building a happy family

This week we made the not-so-life-changing decision not to have our own children. To pretty much all of our friends and family, this will be a complete surprise. So how did we get from deciding between a known or unknown donor to help create our family to a life path that does not include having our own children at all?
If you'd have asked us a week ago if we were going to have a baby now that we've got married (or civilly partnered if you're being pedantic) we would have said yes without a doubt. So it is quite surprising to us that we have both had a re-think and changed our minds.

The scene is a rainy sunday car journey on the way back home to London from a softball tournament (a common situation for us on summer Sunday afternoons). The conversation, which we have been having on and off for the best part of the last 18 months (following the trend of many of our friends starting their own families), began with an attempt to reconsider using a known donor.

We charted the pros and cons of the unknown donor route and considered the two biggest cons with this route. 1) the personal safety risks of meeting up with a stranger; and 2) the challenge to guarantee medical history without the use of a clinic.  Another consideration was the cost in thousands of pounds when using a clinic for insemination. These had also become top of the list of reasons to say no to this option. So we went back to the original plan and we discussed building a relationship with a potential known donor, where the main risk we considered would be the donor's proximity to the upbringing of the child and potentially wanting shared custody, however tight our family contract defining relationships might be.

Our decisions weren't difficult in the end, but it wasn't easy either and it has taken months to mull over and consider the multitude of routes available. Over the last few months, we've looked at a lot of options. Partly because we could potentially face fertility issues due to (Katie's) ongoing health problems, and partly because the cost of using a clinic is prohibitive and money we would rather spend on the family than making the family. However none of the myriad of options has ever felt quite right. Perhaps this was why we had been having the debate for the last 18 months rather than settling on a method and working towards it. We then started to think about adoption as an alternative for us to having a child, this conversation developed, and then we decided that rather than have a baby of our own perhaps we could adopt a baby. Then we took our thoughts a step further, because we know that the adoption process in the UK is slow and drawn out, and also that we would still have to make quite a few adjustments to our busy and fun lives (Planet London would surely not survive and which one of us would get to play softball?).

We thought more and more about the fostering route and supporting LGBT young people through Albert Kennedy Trust, and maintaining an open door policy for friends and family in need. Both of us are really keen on this and want to incorporate it into our life. Having our own children would potentially be a hinderence to this.

We are also really committed to Planet London and the other activities we do outside of work. Could we really continue to do any of those if we started a family? Probably not, or not to the same extent. And in all of the couples we know, we've found one is able to still take part, the other stays at home with the baby. How would we agree who got stuck at home?

It was at this stage that we both realised that there was another option, one that quite suits our ethos, and general love of providing a safe haven whenever we can to people who need our support. We decided that we would look to have a home where we would have a spare room. The aim being to offer a space for working with a charity like Albert Kennedy Trust to home young LGBT people who have been made homeless due to their sexuality; and for friends who need a sofa for a week or two.

For some reason on that particular Sunday, for the first time in our many conversations, we posed the question "do we need to have children?" It was a revelation. It was the one aspect of having a family we had never seriously considered. And we had considered all the elements of having a family very seriously. From naming the children, to picking out friends who could be potential donors, to saving to buy a family friendly home near a good school.

All of a sudden it felt like the clouds where clearing in our conversation.

The options for our life together without having our own children felt like the possibility we'd been waiting for. Rather than adapting our lives to accommodate children, why not just not have children? What were the reasons we thought about starting a family for anyway? Because it's what all our friends are doing, or because as women in their early thirties there is still a societal pressure that's what we should be doing.

We're letting the dust settle on the decision. And also, it's one we could change our mind on at any point. But we both agree, having babies isn't the right way for us to grow our family - at least for now. And we're excited about the opportunities we'll have to help young LGBT people in need.
Article by Naomi and Katie Bennett-Hall