At 30 my biological clock started ticking. At that point I wasn’t concerned, I still had 5 more years before it became urgent. Unexpectedly finding myself single at 34 was devastating to my baby plans and I cried on my 35th birthday, believing the time to have children was gone. Not surprisingly my luck changed pretty quickly and now I am 7 months pregnant. This is my story of how we (my partner, myself and our baby) got here.
When we first got together my partner and I were both very sure that we wanted children. We’d been friends for a long time and had always known about each other’s desire for a family, falling in love was the icing on the cake. The first thing we did however had nothing to do with planning babies, instead we started planning a wedding. It’s a sad fact of life in the UK that if you are the non-biological parent in a LGBT family, you have few parental rights unless you are married to the biological parent. There are ways around this of course, but the easiest and most secure is to simply put a ring on it. So we had a beautiful wedding and invited all of our friends. I wore a white dress, we had pink flowers at the ceremony, I drank too much champagne and it really was one of the best days of my life. We woke up the next morning together hungover and in love, and I’ve wanted to do it again ever since (my partner says once is enough).
That was Stage one. At this point I had been recording my periods for months using the P Tracker app on my iPhone, so Stage two involved going to a doctor and getting a referral to a clinic. I had been warned that this initial stage sometimes takes quite a while,but it was surprisingly quick for me. Within two months I met my gynecologist She outlined a number of tests for me to have and within 6 months I received all of my results. I was normal and fertile. At this point we were to be referred on to a clinic which would provide us with an IUI, but here I baulked. The thought of having unidentified sperm injected into me just didn’t sit comfortably in my head. It was irrational I know, but then I think a lot of the baby-making process is inherently irrational. Why do we worry about what to name our kids when most people grow up to love their own name? And why do we consider a black kitchen set better than a Hello Kitty toy gun when kids would have just as much fun with either of them? Hell, why do we want kids at all when life would be much cheaper without them? Deep down I knew a clinic was the easiest option but I didn’t want it. What to do? We were stumped.
At a house party several weeks later I had my answer. ‘We’ve found ourselves a known donor!,’ the hosts told me happily, and pulled up a site on their iPad. It was a website for people who wished to make babies and my friends had been talking to a married man who was planning to donate his sperm. Also available on the site were potential co-parents, surrogate mothers, egg donors, and a lot of other sperm donors. That night I made up my mind and set up a profile almost as soon as I arrived home. Telling my partner about this new development didn’t go down well. We spent several weeks in stalemate, just talking things through before we finally reached a resolution. It was scary to put our faith in someone who would ‘know’ us, who would know what we looked like and may in the future try to gain access to our baby. We finally agreed to go ahead with some safety precautions in place.
Operation ‘Find a donor’ started easily enough. First we bought a new mobile phone with an anonymous number, and then set up a new email address for correspondence. We decided to only meet up with potential donors together, and in busy areas such as Kings Cross, Waterloo and Liverpool Street Station. For our profile picture we used an ‘arty’ photograph that bore little resemblance to the real us and kept all personal details off our profile and out of our correspondence. Once all this was done we were ready.
What had initially seemed to me to be an abundance of donors, very quickly whittled down when you started to look more closely. Many were no longer active, some were actively seeking sex (or 'natural insemination' as they call it), while others were advertising as sperm donors while really wanting a co-parenting arrangement, and some were just odd. It was frustrating and I tried several different sites before finally stumbling upon Pride Angel and FSDW. Both gave us positive hits within weeks. At the end of a 4 month search we finally found our donor. He was not only a lovely guy, he was happy to answer all of our questions, had donated before so already knew the drill and had no interest in being a father. We were ecstatic. Now to get pregnant!
The preparations for getting pregnant are much easier than actually falling pregnant. First we needed a venue. Any cheap hotel close to a major line would do. During that time we had trouble with one venue, which objected to us having so many people in and out of a single room, so after that we stuck to doubles. It was more expensive but worth it to not worry about drama. The only equipment needed were some digital ovulation kits (for the lead up to the insemination), a small plastic bowl with a lid for our donor, a bag of 10ml syringes (with no needles obviously), and a small tube of Conceive Plus lubricant. To carry out the operation we arranged to meet the donor at a spot near the hotel, lead him up to our room and leave him there to do his business. Once he was finished, he’d find us at whatever cafe we’d designated as our waiting point, hand over the keys, and then we’d make our way to the room. My partner would do the insemination and I’d lie on my back for 45 minutes. I’m fairly sure 45 minutes is an excessive amount of time, but we were so keen for a baby that I would have stood on my head if needed be. As I was quite regular we could generally arrange in advance when to inseminate. If you're not so regular it's probably best to wait until the day you ovulate. Sperm generally stay healthy and active for at least 3 days, so are quite happy to hang around and wait for an egg if you are a bit early.
Obviously I didn’t fall pregnant straight away. As the months go by, you really start to appreciate a decent donor. Through it all he stuck with us and even agreed to do a last minute insemination one month, when my cycle decided to throw a surprise party. At the end of it all he told us to contact him again if ever we wanted a second child and that was it. Our time with him was over.
At the moment we are thinking we’d like a second child, but after the well publicised High Court ruling regarding the two gay male donors and their lesbian recipients, we’ll probably be asking him to sign a legal document next time. So far, as a married couple our rights are still protected, but that ruling was a timely reminder that laws can and do change. As LGBT parents it’s always a good idea to stay aware of the law.
Ps. If you do decide to choose the known donor/home insemination route and find yourself pregnant and sitting in a doctor’s office, the correct answer to ‘Is this a natural pregnancy?’ is yes. The alternative is a clinical IUI, fertility drugs or IVF.
Jene
